Hey Theresa! You are not alone! It's very cliche but the hardest part is getting started. Life is all about momentum, both positive and negative. It seems you've had a rough past couple of months/years and it's got you worn down. The only advice I can give you is to look past it so you can see your TRUE WORTH! You will need to fight like hell to keep those negative thoughts and expectations from creeping into your mind but you can do it! I am a former borderline alcoholic who smoked a pack a day from 22-27 and put on about 50lbs in the process. I was on blood pressure meds and was getting ekg's done regularly at the age of 25! I wanted to get my life back and it was hard!! One step, one meal, one lift, one day. It's all about baby steps. I couldn't even run a .25 mile or bench 25lb dumbbells so I would work out at 3-5am so no one would see me. Things began to change in my mind and heart in a way that I can't explain. I got to a 1/4 mile and then a mile and then 5 miles. I went from 25lb dumbbells to now benching over 225lbs. I have lost all the weight and got my body fat to 8%. It was all because of the positive momentum I built through small gains and improvements that others probably never even noticed. Getting in shape is 99% mental. I am now a personal trainer who likes to focus on individuals who feel that it is impossible. I relate to that so much. Just lift your head up, stick your chest out, realize your worth and take that first step!!! I know you can do it!!!
